Heart Broken Open

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

Love may not be all you need, but if you have everything you need and you don't have love, you don't have much.

I don’t know about you, but this last month has been a big time for skkome pretty deep reflections. A time for old wounds for the past that were never fully understood, that never really healed, but were just crammed down deep; time to be broken open, broken down, moved out and healed. It’s been really painful and challenging, but the healing has been a gift. I am still struggling with understanding why for me, and I’m guessing I’m not alone in this; it has been easier to forgive others – sometimes terrible abuses, than it has been to forgive myself. To forgive myself for living someone else’s idea of who I am, of living trying to make someone else happy hoping that if I tried hard enough, if I was good enough, they would love me, and that I would matter. I’m learning to forgive myself for living a lie, for being so afraid, for not believing I was good enough, but then again who was there as a child to tell me that I was good enough? Forgiving myself for not asking what I wanted, because I didn’t know that it was even okay for me to ask, much less believe that it could ever be possible for me to want something, and actually have it, at least not without there being a heavy price to pay. I have held myself to impossible standards, but settled for less than I wanted, less than I deserved. I have stayed in relationships believing if I just gave enough, loved enough, did enough, that the other person would see my value, would love me, but it was like a sun falling into a black hole and all that came of it was whole lot of pain, suffering, betrayal, and some really hard lessons. I have learned that comparing myself to others is toxic, and that in judging others, I leave myself open to be judged. It’s going to take me some time to get this down because I’ve been comparing and judging for such a long time, but seeing a problem is the first step to reaching a solution. I will never be the daughter my parents think I should be, and my parents will never be the parents I wished they would be - that is just the reality of things. I don’t know why my dad can’t say that he is proud of me, or why he has never been able to say he is sorry for anything to me, maybe he just doesn’t know how, I don’t know, but what I do know that it does not mean I am unworthy, or not good enough – that is a lie in who’s shadow I have lived within for far to long. I also wondered why I felt compelled to be “the strong one”, why I had to work so hard to be get everything just so, to not open my mouth unless I had a good grasp of the “facts”, to be almost fanatically through so that I could explain every little detail of any decision thinking that maybe, just maybe if I covered all the bases I would be okay, I would be safe, and if I was really lucky admired or better still appreciated. Right now I know that I matter. I am hard at work letting go of all the garbage I have been carrying with me for so long and learning to live my truth, and it is a painful process – both physically and emotionally, but I cannot complain because it is leading me step by step to my best life ever. It was just last year that I finally realized that I was not irreparably broken, and this year that I am realizing why I even believed that in the first place. It is now that I can tell myself that I deserve to be happy. I’ve got that part in my head and little by little it is breaking through, and seeping into my heart. Gradually I am starting to allow myself to dare to dream of what I want, and learning that I can accomplish it with hard work yes, but not with the necessity of terrible suffering.

I’m writing this on my computer and I’m wondering how many others out there have felt the way I’ve felt; if you have, you are not alone, and a better future is possible, but it has to start with you making the choice. I think a big part of it for me was deciding that there was nothing I wouldn’t let go of if it stood between me, and being happy. In making the choice so much, not all at once, has come to the surface; each step brings me closer to the life I deserve, each clearing out (breaking open, being in the truth, forgiveness of myself and others, letting go of the idea that things could have been any different than they were, and ultimately healing) make more room for more joy, love, and happiness.

What are you focusing on? Is it what you want or what you want to avoid? Are you living in joy and inspiration, or fear and avoidance?  My goal is to live more present in the moment so that I can develop a greater awareness of what I put out into the world because strength comes from practice, and I know that what I focus on, what I put out into the world (my thoughts, feelings, and actions), is what is going to come back to me, and I’m ready for something amazing. What about you?

Moving Forward

This was recently posted on the Dalai Lama’s Facebook page; “Although we are all the same in not wanting problems and wanting a peaceful life, we tend to create a lot of problems for ourselves. Encountering those problems, anger develops and overwhelms our mind, which leads to violence. A good way to counter this and to work for a more peaceful world is to develop concern for others. Then our anger, jealousy and other destructive emotions will naturally weaken and diminish.”

A gentleman by the name of Wong Wee Kiong responded, “It is ideal to have mutual concerns. But we are entering a cold period with less influences from religions, it is a very hard time ahead....

We are simply entering a time of change and we can either embrace it as an opportunity to release that, which is destructive and holds us back from being our best or we can hold on and resist change; continuing in our struggles and suffering. Life is what we make of it. To make room for the new we must grow and release the old that no longer serves our well-being.

Joy and peace are much desired qualities, but too often people look for these outside of themselves in other people and/or things and when they feel they are let down we blame others outside of ourselves. The truth is that our peace of mind and happiness dwell within us and are not dependant upon what is happening outside of ourselves. I know that this can be quiet a challenge, it means setting our egos aside. It’s all well and good to say just set your ego aside but how do we accomplish this? One way is to recognize that we are all profoundly connected, accept that the other person(s) is doing the best that they can at any given moment – even if it doesn’t seem that way to you. Other things are to look for common ground even if it means looking at your common flaws (which are just obstacles yet to be overcome). Even in being connected (spiritually and scientifically) we are still uniquely responsible for our own feelings, thoughts and actions. For instance there is a person you love who can’t love you back or not in the way you would like, it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve that love, just that perhaps that person isn’t the one capable of giving you what you want and deserve. Accept that our perception, though hopefully continuing to grow and evolve, is limited and different than others, even those close to us and sometimes especially those that are closest to us. Another big way to release ego is simply to recognize it. Well, how the heck do I do that? Whenever you feel hurt by someone’s words or actions that’s ego – you are looking outside of yourself for love, validation, happiness, etc. When you are falling in love with another person those feelings are still generated within you, just like anger, but anger is different. If you really remove yourself from your anger (don’t think about it or engage it in anyway) for a minute and a half, it will pass. That passing will give you the opportunity to chose a different perspective. That person who cut you off on the road didn’t do something to ‘you’; you were probably the last thing on their mind. Perhaps they are distracted because they just lost their child/parent/spouse, or they are in the middle of a divorce, just had a baby or lost their job/home. We may not be able to understand exactly how another person feels in a given situation, but we do understand things like stress/sorrow/suffering to some degree or another and this brings us to one more BIG way to let go of ego – compassion. Even the simple act of recognizing ego diminishes it. Releasing ego is the key to the doorway of freedom. If you believe that your joy lies outside of yourself you give up your power because then another can hold that and lord it over you. We may not always like everything that is happening in our lives, especially during challenging times, but that doesn’t mean we have to give up our peace of mind in the midst of our learning, growing and moving toward better things.  Even the seemingly worst things can turn out for the best.

The Chinese have long sought to crush Tibet and the Tibetan spiritual path, yet their efforts have accomplished something amazing that would have otherwise never have happened, they have given the WORLD the Dalai Lama and his teachings.

Perspective is everything, stretch yourself and look for the bigger picture.

I have been struggling these last few weeks with my ego and grief over a relationship that will never be what I want.

I know it can be difficult to let go; sometimes people aren’t capable of giving us what we desire, it doesn’t mean we don’t love or have compassion for them, but like I said before, sometimes we have to let go of people or things that are destructive, no longer serves us and holds us back from being the best that we can be. In letting go of the ego we let go of fear make room for love and move forward to healthier relationships and lives free of guilt and blame.