mAgNoLia 2

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Heart Broken Open

Heart Broken Open

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

Love may not be all you need, but if you have everything you need and you don't have love, you don't have much.
I don’t know about you, but this last month has been a big time for skkome pretty deep reflections. A time for old wounds for the past that were never fully understood, that never really healed, but were just crammed down deep; time to be broken open, broken down, moved out and healed. It’s been really painful and challenging, but the healing has been a gift. I am still struggling with understanding why for me, and I’m guessing I’m not alone in this; it has been easier to forgive others – sometimes terrible abuses, than it has been to forgive myself. To forgive myself for living someone else’s idea of who I am, of living trying to make someone else happy hoping that if I tried hard enough, if I was good enough, they would love me, and that I would matter. I’m learning to forgive myself for living a lie, for being so afraid, for not believing I was good enough, but then again who was there as a child to tell me that I was good enough? Forgiving myself for not asking what I wanted, because I didn’t know that it was even okay for me to ask, much less believe that it could ever be possible for me to want something, and actually have it, at least not without there being a heavy price to pay. I have held myself to impossible standards, but settled for less than I wanted, less than I deserved. I have stayed in relationships believing if I just gave enough, loved enough, did enough, that the other person would see my value, would love me, but it was like a sun falling into a black hole and all that came of it was whole lot of pain, suffering, betrayal, and some really hard lessons. I have learned that comparing myself to others is toxic, and that in judging others, I leave myself open to be judged. It’s going to take me some time to get this down because I’ve been comparing and judging for such a long time, but seeing a problem is the first step to reaching a solution. I will never be the daughter my parents think I should be, and my parents will never be the parents I wished they would be - that is just the reality of things. I don’t know why my dad can’t say that he is proud of me, or why he has never been able to say he is sorry for anything to me, maybe he just doesn’t know how, I don’t know, but what I do know that it does not mean I am unworthy, or not good enough – that is a lie in who’s shadow I have lived within for far to long. I also wondered why I felt compelled to be “the strong one”, why I had to work so hard to be get everything just so, to not open my mouth unless I had a good grasp of the “facts”, to be almost fanatically through so that I could explain every little detail of any decision thinking that maybe, just maybe if I covered all the bases I would be okay, I would be safe, and if I was really lucky admired or better still appreciated. Right now I know that I matter. I am hard at work letting go of all the garbage I have been carrying with me for so long and learning to live my truth, and it is a painful process – both physically and emotionally, but I cannot complain because it is leading me step by step to my best life ever. It was just last year that I finally realized that I was not irreparably broken, and this year that I am realizing why I even believed that in the first place. It is now that I can tell myself that I deserve to be happy. I’ve got that part in my head and little by little it is breaking through, and seeping into my heart. Gradually I am starting to allow myself to dare to dream of what I want, and learning that I can accomplish it with hard work yes, but not with the necessity of terrible suffering.
I’m writing this on my computer and I’m wondering how many others out there have felt the way I’ve felt; if you have, you are not alone, and a better future is possible, but it has to start with you making the choice. I think a big part of it for me was deciding that there was nothing I wouldn’t let go of if it stood between me, and being happy. In making the choice so much, not all at once, has come to the surface; each step brings me closer to the life I deserve, each clearing out (breaking open, being in the truth, forgiveness of myself and others, letting go of the idea that things could have been any different than they were, and ultimately healing) make more room for more joy, love, and happiness.

What are you focusing on? Is it what you want or what you want to avoid? Are you living in joy and inspiration, or fear and avoidance?  My goal is to live more present in the moment so that I can develop a greater awareness of what I put out into the world because strength comes from practice, and I know that what I focus on, what I put out into the world (my thoughts, feelings, and actions), is what is going to come back to me, and I’m ready for something amazing. What about you?

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